How To Achieve More Intimacy In Marriage?

Noemi J. Mullins

Intimacy in a marriage can have many negative consequences. Couples complain that they feel more like friends than they are lovers. This is not what they intended. There are many forms and levels of intimacy, so each couple is different. Each person has their drive and desires. There are no easy solutions to infidelity. However, many behaviours can steal intimacy from a relationship. You’ll soon be able to have a happier and healthier relationship if you eliminate these behaviours.

The building or renovating of a home is one way to describe a relationship. Our home is transformed to feel more comfortable and better fit us as a couple. I searched the internet and local stores for window coverings with this analogy in mind. To let more light in, my husband and I were looking to replace the old wooden blinds from our living room in the 1960s. The difference was amazing when we put in our Hunter Douglas honeycomb blinds. They are lightweight and easy to use. We have privacy without having to do much.

What do window blinds have in common with love and marriage? There are many!

For more intimacy in marriage, open the blinds

All of us have some window covering, most often blinds. There are other types of blinds. The brain wires our neural pathways through our experiences as we grow up. These experiences and the decisions we make about them are literally what design the windows and covers of our soul. They determine our place in the world.

How we view, the world is shaped by our family of origin. Early developmental years can create limiting beliefs that block the light of understanding, insight, and love. Our childhood experiences help us define ourselves and how we should be in relationships. They teach us about love. What we learn about love and safety in the world while growing up has a profound impact on our marriage intimacy.

Ask yourself: “Is it time to upgrade your blinds ?”–not only for your home but also for your mind and your relationship?” Are you ready to let more love through the blinds?

We often don’t realize the blinders and limitations that prevent us from seeing our true potential. Blinders can distort our perspectives and hinder our love, connection and emotional intimacy with one another, especially with our love partner.

Blinds (unconscious beliefs or behaviours) can be a way to keep us safe. The mask we wear hides our vulnerability and our true self. Our inner selves are reserved for the people we love and feel most secure with. We try to determine what is safe and who is not.

These protections are in place for all unloving behaviour. It is important to let go of our masks in marriage and a loving relationship. Unloving behaviour toward our partner can lead to a loss of intimacy. Intimacy declines at many levels, including socially, emotionally and intellectually, and physically and affectionately.

These are some behaviours that can make it unsafe for your partner:

  • Words and actions that aren’t in sync
  • Disrespect or pretending that you are listening
  • Lying or withholding the truth
  • Sarcasm, criticism or belittlement
  • nagging, shaming, or judging
  • Controlling your partner
  • Unresolved Conflicts that Persist

This concept may be better understood if you allow me to share some personal examples of my first marriage with you.

Growing up with an alcoholic dad, I had the ole’ 60s heavy, clunky blinds that covered my eyes. Blinders might be able to speak if they could.

  • “Dad doesn’t (men don’t) care about my feelings.”
  • “Dad doesn’t (men don’t) show up to me!”
  • “Dad (men) are distant and checked out.”

These blinds were my first way to see my husband when we married. (And we will find whatever we seek. I discovered how he wasn’t there, but I didn’t see all the ways that he loved me. I was too busy gathering evidence of how he didn’t care that I forgot all the wonderful ways he was extremely caring and attentive.

Blinders block us from seeing our partner clearly and prevent us from experiencing so much love and richness!

Let me explain. Although my husband was kind and benign, I had blinders that prevented me from seeing the good. He was not paying attention to me when he was reading the newspaper.

He was distant and checked out when he watched TV. I felt unimportant. My husband would rather go out with his friends than be with me. He didn’t care if he wanted to go out with friends after a hard day’s work.

Silly, right? You get the idea.

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