Noemi J. Mullins

How you stop smothering, your partner can be an overwhelming task, considering that you’ve likely tried every option you could imagine. You could be close to splitting up, or you may imagine that green grass on the opposite side. Before you make any drastic decisions, we highly recommend having a moment of reflection. In this circumstance, it is essential to conduct some internal work instead of settling in the position of blame. In reading this article, it is necessary to recognize your role and examine your needs and how you can express them to bring about changes within the relationship.

The experience of parenting your partner can be uncomfortable. I realize.. icky isn’t the ideal word to describe your feelings and emotions. Still, at times it is the most effective method to express anger, frustration, insecurity, and fear that we carry when we feel like we are the ones who have to be parenting our partner. It’s not unusual to have a dominant person in a relationship who usually makes most of the decisions. However, when couples experience less of a relationship and more like the parent-child connection, there may be deeper issues to be resolved underneath the surface.

Most people with an assertive “dominant” personality tend to be leaders in their own lives. Perhaps they are bosses, the youngest child, or even the “parent” in their family relationship. It is possible to argue that these traits result from either the environment or nature, but I think it’s the latter. On the other hand, assertiveness and dominance are defense mechanism designed at the beginning of childhood to defend the family, themselves, and the environment. In this case, their power was derived from being beaten up as a child by their peers or family members, or perhaps their sway in directing their lives was due to the unfair burden of being the parent to their parents who were untrustworthy or struggling with addiction. The mix of their natural character traits and experiences has combined to make them highly dependent, structured, and more specific.

Contrarily, those who prefer to follow the flow and are less aggressive have learned these strategies to safeguard themselves. For instance, perhaps their instinctual reaction to letting others decide for them was a result of having a parent suffering from mental illness, and they were not allowed to express an opinion; or perhaps their happiness was due to fear of failure because they were constantly told that they couldn’t succeed; maybe they were a middle child or had siblings who were their spokespersons. Their natural character traits make it easy to observe how their past trauma has led to more timidity, patience, and apprehension.

If you are with your partner as a parent and you feel discontent or lonely, think about these concerns before making the decision to go away or re-running the same argument:

Write down the reasons why you were drawn to your partner at first. Do any of these traits or reasons the ones you’re frustrated with today? If so, how has it changed your outlook?

What are your expectations for your partner? Are they likely to be aren’t realistic, harsh enough, or coming from a judgemental or a judgmental

What requirements did you experience as a kid that could be triggered in your current situation? (Example: You’re currently in a heated debate with your spouse about earning more money; however, is it possible that you’re feeling uneasy or unsure about the future and would like more security? Could it be that you’re talking to yourself in code and arguing about matters of content that could cause a more profound desire or insecurity?)

Can you say that you’re feeling uncontrollable in your personal life? Have you admitted to your spouse that you feel stuck without blame?

Is it possible that it’s hard to seek assistance? If yes, how can you unintentionally come across in a negative, demanding, or controlling way due to this?

Do you recognize an inclination to control, fix and help everyone? Where did this idea come from?

Are you feeling respected and valued by your partner? If not, how could this contribute to your discontent and expectations?

Then, following your reflection, Try these suggestions to build understanding in your relationship in the hope of saving it.

Discuss childhood and the most impactful times in your life: From a curious location, discuss what you and your partner think about and why you’re in the way you are. Discuss further about your childhood and how they affect your relationship today. What can this do to give you greater compassion and understanding of why certain traits or behavior patterns may be challenging to change once you reach adulthood?

Discuss your honest and vulnerable desires, not disappointments or demands: HTML3From a genuine location, discuss your needs that were not met in the early years of your life. Your anxieties about the way you present yourself in your relationship. What do you want to safeguard? Why are X, Y, and Z problems a matter of concern?

Discuss how your expectations of one another and each other’s changes might be limiting and unrealistic: This doesn’t mean that you don’t need and demands from your spouse; however, what it does mean is that you must acknowledge how your assumptions affect the other and making you suffer. Sometimes, our expectations and the ways we perceive ourselves can be the cause of our problems. If you initially fell in love with your partner’s character, but they have now caused you pain, it is crucial to know the reason. What expectations do you have changed? And is there a way to reach a compromise?

Determine the areas that you each must work in. Safely take accountability for your failures and communicate to your spouse how you perceive these difficulties in your relationship. Be humble and accept the challenges. No one would want to be flawless, but taking responsibility, it will make your partner feel valued, which can lead to an environment of healing and motivation to make changes together.

Be aware of the times your triggers notify you and what you do to deal with these triggers. Next time you are feeling frustrated or hurt, take a moment to reflect on what caused it. Notice how you tend to manage your discomfort. Instead of reacting in a routine way, try slowing down, imaging, and getting understanding before responding.

Set out roles and brainstorm ways to share responsibility mutually: Collaborate! It’s not a good idea to set aside and outline duties and roles; however, it’s more beneficial to directly address issues instead of making assumptions. Together, list the adult responsibilities you share and the items you consider to be “your” responsibility and why. This exercise may help you identify any differences or helps both of you talk more about what’s important and why. Keep in mind that you can aim to achieve 50/50; however, don’t expect it!

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