Here are 15 lessons learned by relationship experts about love
We have learned something from binge-watching Jane the Virgin and Grace and Frankie on Netflix: Relationships are messy.
It’s also a personal experience that proves it: From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, we know “love doesn’t come easy”.
Relationships are hard work, no matter what your status is single or whether you’re engaged, married, or dating. Your words and thoughts play a significant role in whether your relationships end in tears or last forever.
What will give you an edge in the game for love? Take advantage of the knowledge and experience offered by researchers, relationship therapists, and matchmakers.
We’ve taken the best advice from 15 experts and distilled it here. No matter what your personal circumstances are, these words could help you find the secret to long-lasting happiness.
Find someone who shares your values
For long-lasting love, it is important to have as many similarities as possible (e.g., age and education, values, personality, hobbies). Before getting married, partners should make sure their values align.
While there are many differences that can be accepted and tolerated, it is especially problematic when the goal is love lasting relationships.
Another secret to a long marriage is Both spouses must commit to making it work no matter what. Only the partners can end a relationship.
Kelly Campbell is an associate professor of psychology at California State University San Bernardino.
Don’t take your partner for granted
This may seem obvious but it’s hard to believe how many couples come to therapy after their partner has left a relationship and wants to leave.
It is important to recognize that everyone has a breaking point. If they aren’t met or don’t feel heard by others, they will most likely seek it elsewhere.
Many people believe that just because they have everything they need, their partner is OK. Complacency should not be justified by the statement “No relationship is perfect.”
Irina Irina Firstein is an LCSW, individual, and couple’s therapist
Meet your partner’s requirements
“The most important thing I’ve learned about love is that it’s a trade and social exchange. It is not just a feeling. Loving relationships can be a way to meet our own needs and those of our partners.
Good feelings will continue to flow when the exchange is mutually rewarding. If it’s not mutually satisfying, things can turn sour and the relationship will end.
It is therefore important to focus on what your partner does for you as an expression of love, and not how you feel in the moment.
Keep things warm!
People often become shyer around the person they love. Partners begin to take their partner’s love for granted, and they lose the ability to be open to their partner and continue to seduce them.
You can keep your sex esteem alive’ by following certain practices on a daily basis. This will allow you to stay sexy and vibrant in your love life.
Sari Cooper is a licensed individual, couple, and sex therapist.
Reduce the pressure on performance
The penis-vagina model is a pressured form of sex. This includes the expectation that you have orgasms simultaneously or that your orgasm should include penetration. These expectations are so strict that many feel frustrated and disappointed when they don’t meet them.
Instead, expand your definition of sex to include any activity that requires close, intimate contact with your partner. This could be anything such as sensual massages or taking a bath or a shower together, reading an erotic tale together, or playing with fun toys.
If orgasm does occur, great. But if it doesn’t, it’s okay too. You can increase your satisfaction by expanding your definition of sex and lowering the pressure on penetration and orgasm.
Chelsea Holland. DHS, MS. Sex and relationship therapist at The Intimacy Institute.
You can try a more pleasant approach
Research has shown that how a problem is raised determines how that conversation will progress, and how that relationship will continue. Critique, which is also known as attacking or blaming one’s partner, can be a killer of a relationship.
Start slowly. Instead of saying “You always leave your dishes all around the place!” Instead of saying, “You always leave your dishes all over the place!” instead, try a gentler approach. Focus on your emotional response and make a positive request.
Example: “I am annoyed by dishes in my living room.” “Would you please return them to the kitchen after you are done?
Carrie Cole is a master trainer and director for research at The Gottman Institute.
Identify your “good conflict”
“Every couple has what I call a “good conflict.” In long-term relationships, you often feel that the most you need from your partner may be the one he or she is least able to give you. This is not the end of love; it’s the beginning of deeper love. Do not run away from conflict.
It is supposed to be there. It’s actually your key to happiness together — as long as you can both name it and agree to work on it as a couple. Your relationship will become toxic if you approach your “good conflicts” with bitterness, blame, or contempt.
Take time to take care of yourself
“A friend taught us that it doesn’t matter how deeply in love you are, or how long you have been together, it is important to breathe and enjoy your relationship.
Spend time with your girlfriends late into the night, go on a weekend trip to see family, or just be yourself for a bit. You’ll be both recharged and ready for more when you return home to Yours Truly.
Amy Baglan is the CEO of MeetingMindful. This dating site is for people who are interested in healthy living, well-being, and mindfulness.
Don’t abandon yourself
Self-abandonment is the main cause of problems in relationships.
There are many ways we can lose ourselves: emotional (judging or ignoring others), financial (spending recklessly), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating poorly, not exercising), relational (1 creating conflict in a relationship), and spiritual (depending too heavily on your partner for love).
You will be able to have a loving relationship with your partner if you choose to learn to love yourself instead of abandoning yourself.
Live a fulfilled life
“Like many others, I was raised believing that marriage requires self-sacrifice. It was a lot. Linda, my wife, helped me to see that I didn’t have to be a martyr or sacrifice my happiness to make our marriage work.
She taught me that creating a happy and fulfilling life for myself was just as important for my children or her.
It has become more apparent to me over the years that I have a responsibility to myself and to my fellow humans.
Although this is not an easy task, it is the most important thing that we can do to ensure that our relationships are mutually rewarding.
The bottom line
Sometimes expectations can get in the way of our relationships and the lessons they teach us. Every relationship is valuable, regardless of how long it lasts.
“There is no such thing as a failing romance. Relationships evolve into the things they were meant to be. You shouldn’t try to turn something temporary or seasonal into a long-lasting relationship. Enjoy the ride and let go.