Noemi J. Mullins

“Stop trying to fix everything in your relationship!” could be a phrase you’ve heard numerous times. It could be something you weren’t aware you tried to accomplish, yet you’re sure you don’t like it when the person you love is struggling or there’s a conflict between the couple. You’re sincere about your intentions. You’d like to keep the peace and create “negative” feelings go away. The first step is to reason about the situation and then address the issue. You may be confused about why your spouse doesn’t understand your attempt to aid them or even diffuse the problem.

If your partner begins to become frustrated with you for constant attempts to resolve the issue, you may find yourself in a difficult spot and unsure how to fix things better. It can make you feel completely depressed, overwhelmed, and resentful. It is possible to begin believing that you’ll never be able to accomplish something right. Perhaps that’s why you’ve been searching for “stop trying to fix everything in your relationship.”

If you’re in this situation, note what I say is that the issue is a frequent problem for couples

We’ve all heard about chronic people who are pleasing. However, we aren’t told much about the “chronic fixer” mentality. “The chronic fixer” was usually the child who was in charge of their unreliable or reckless parent or sibling who was expected to act as the mediator within the family in cases where violence or escalation occurred or escalate; the child who was ostracized from parents’ focus or who was raised not knowing unconditional love. The fixer is usually the child who has not learned how to express their emotional needs or emotions and is often overwhelmed by the expression of emotion. If you’re the one to fix things, that’s typically why the inner child within you feels insignificant and may be highly hurtful when your partner is upset at you for trying to aid them. If the fixer-type mentality that is that you have in your head is deeply embedded, it could be not easy to let go of trying to make everything perfect that is going on in the relationship.

What can you do?

As the one who fixes things, Your intentions for helping to diffuse the situation are noble. You are concerned; you try to be supportive and desire to get everything “right” again. But, your instinctual desire to fix things is more often an internal defensive mechanism to defend yourself than an altruistic urge to assist. This is why your attempt to repair doesn’t help your spouse and appears just to worsen things. If you’re the one to fix things, that does not mean you are “bad,” or wrong. It’s important to understand that your instinct to deflect and fix things is usually a defense against the possibility of emotional distress and escalated conflict. Your actions and attempts to solve problems are a natural reaction to your unconscious fears from your childhood or a traumatic previous relationship.

In a nutshell, the (subconscious) effort to repair things is usually driven by the desire to shield yourself from the repercussions of an injury that hasn’t been healed from your previous.

One of the reasons that this is a frequent topic during couple counseling is because the person’s typical method towards supporting their partner could be the opposite of what their partner requires. In tandem, they aren’t sure how to express their feelings, so they simply get angry at one another and end up in repeated arguments. They feel slighted and annoyed.

Stop Trying to Fix Everything in Your Relationship | 6 Things to Do Instead:

BreatheWhen you or your partner is having difficulty with something, you can breathe slowly. Take a moment to relax and respond by calming the emotion and then resolving the issue. Take a deep breath and be sure that you’re secure. Keep track of the first thought that came into your mind, “Oh no, here we go again,” or “What did I do wrong?”

Don’t make assumptions you sense that your partner’s mood isn’t right and you immediately think of a worst-case scenario that you can imagine in your mind. You must stop that train of thought, look at the situation and then ask yourself, “Is the thought I’m assuming or thinking is true? Are there any evidence to back these thought patterns? Do I give my spouse an advantage?”

Have More Questions Listen More. Ask more. It’s easy enough to make your partner feel valued and alleviate your stress. Perhaps your partner is angry about something that doesn’t have anything to be related to them, and they require a few minutes to think about the issue. You can ask them a simple query about their concerns “Do you want me to help you solve this, or just listen?”

Establish Boundaries It is entirely acceptable to ask for boundaries when you feel overwhelmed and need time to calm yourself down from your flooded emotions. An ideal way to get some space from your partner is “I know you are upset, and I know you’re feeling upset and I’m needing an hour to process all this, as emotions can be a challenge to deal with. Are we able to revisit this conversation after I return within a few hours?”

Be Prepared to Feel Uncomfortable Work on your tolerance to uncomfortable feelings or conversations. If feeling uneasy about emotions is a problem you have to deal with, It could be the right time to conduct your counseling to assist you in regulating and processing your emotions efficiently.

Let Go of the obligation to fix everything. You may feel like it’s the “job” for one reason or another reason to repair everything, but that’s not the case. This notion is causing you to suffer the most discomfort and pain. In letting go of the responsibility, you give up being in control. It is not easy but also relaxing.

If your relationship is exhibiting one of the red flags listed above, you might want to reassess your relationship’s health and decide if you wish to keep the relationship going. There’s a big difference between feeling like a fixer because of childhood triggers and feeling pressured to please your partner since they’re inflicting abuse.

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